Nov

I Will Not Go Quietly

It has been a little while since I’ve listened to Don Henley’s solo work, but the title of this post (from the song of the same name on his The End of the Innocence disc) says a lot about where I’m at right now. Bear with me - this might be entertaining for some of you.

For folks familiar with the phrase “working the steps”, the 2^ndStep is the process of coming, coming to, coming to believe. First, you show up, and not much more is expected of you at this level. You listen and absorb new ideas about everything, and are asked (alright, in some cases told¹) to put your old ideas about God² on a shelf out of the way while you are exposed to ideas that are quite likely different from those you may have been exposed to at church or home. You are not expected to do anything else with the concepts or beliefs other than listen.

The second part - coming to - is the gradual awakening to (and apprehension of) spiritual truth that really begins inside an addict³ when they first allow themselves to feel hope. Once that spark catches, it may stay sheltered beneath the surface for a bit, but it cannot stay there forever unnoticed - those around the addict cannot help but notice the changes, and frequently see them before the addict themselves are aware that they have begun to change.

The third part of the journey, coming to believe, is harder to quantify in some regards. For me, the easist analogy to use is that of a color gradient, and one of the better ones that comes to my mind in this case is the cover art for the album Close To The Edge by Yes. The top of the album is near black - certainly a true world view for most addicts when they first have to face themselves. As you move down from the top, the color shifts more and more towards a brighter green - garbage thinking is being replaced by Good Orderly Directed thinking - and then, as you reach the bottom of the album, you realize that there is more to the gradient - more to the color shift, more to the idea and the conception of God - than you had even allowed yourself to consider.

All of the above explanation of how the process “works” is mere preamble; for those who have lived it, my apologies if I have bored you or gotten part of the experience wrong. I can only describe what it was like for myself and many that I got clean with in the class of 1982 - your experiences, and those of your cohorts, may have been different. What I am after, however, is something of far greater import - what happens next? This is where we go back to what the title lead into.

When you have finally come to believe that Jesus is Lord, that God loves us all, and that He wants to be in relationship with you, what do you do with that? What of your responsibility to make disciples of all nations? What say you to the person who scoffs at Christians and Christianity? What do you do/say about those whose conduct reflects badly on the One they claim to follow - bigotry instead of love, condemnation instead of forgiveness? What do you do, indeed?

As a practicing addict, anyone who saw me acting out knew what I was even if they didn’t know my name. I try to keep that principle alive today, in a way that will not bring shame on either my Lord or my ability to speak for Him. I am no John the Baptist⁴ and, while I may be labeled as many things, there should never be an opportunity for someone to guess who - and what - I am in Christ. I will not lie down and let the world steamroller over me any longer. I will not participate in self-destruction on the installment plan - and I love too much to let it continue to happen without raising my voice.

A painful memory from early recovery here - while getting ready to go into a meeting in downtown Richmond one night, I noticed a bunch of people going into the banquet room at the opposite end of the hall from us for a church service. As the door closed on the last one, I mocked them by saying “Ok, which way is east?” and then kneeling and prostrating myself to the laughs of some of my peer group. A quiet voice from a lady friend cut me to the quick and helped me see what I was doing when she said “What are you laughing at? At least they believe in something.” That one comment helped me to shut up and listen more than a month of sermons ever could have back then. ↩
At this level of spiritual maturity, the mere mention of God is reduced to a concept of a Power greater than oneself - something easier to accept in smaller doses than larger ones. ↩
I use the term addict generically - in my specific case, I am addicted to anything that alters my mood. That can be a substance like alcohol or LSD or marijuana, or something quite different like sex or gambling or porn or playing guitar in a band. Whatever works to divorce an individual from their true self, and their true state, works as an addiction and needs to be examined in that light. Oh, and I’ve been clean by God’s grace for 26 years now - still I identify myself as an addict because the door to temptation hasn’t moved. ↩
In point of fact, while I have been full-immersion baptized as an adult and attend a BGC church, I prefer not being labeled as Baptist - I don’t want to be dismissed that easily. ↩